Aurora Wasteland Flash Fiction from Instagram…
A flash fiction inspired by the below Instagram image.
Some places in The Aurora Wasteland are terrifying, others are soul-altering, and a very select few are both of those, but also delicious. The Desperation Diner nestled down in the Alberta Badlands is by all accounts one of those magical trifecta locations. There is only one small catch, for some statistical painstaking outlier reason, the Desperation diner has the highest death count in The Wasteland. More than any town, city, or family reunion, the sheer number of deaths that occur there annually is underpants wetting-ly high. Stats Canada has labeled the diner as being an asterisk, meaning they don’t know what the ball squeezing pain is going on there. Local police and paramedics have taken to just driving around the block waiting for the next call about another death. It should be pointed out that not a single death has been labeled as a murder, and that the actual number of deaths is being withheld from the public, mostly due to the ball flicking hysteria it would cause. All deaths appear to be random, none linked, well except for the tainted meat that had the viagra in it. Ten men died from their dicks exploding that day. With all of that as preamble and backstory, let’s get to the meet and ball-shaped potatoes of this post.
The Desperation Diner, which takes its name from a Stephen King novel that the former owner loved, (Side note, the owner like so many previous patrons, has passed away in a tragic toaster testicle accident) is a window to death. Over the years, a staggering number of Aurora Wasteland Investigators have visited the diner. After chatting with the employees and reoccurring guests. They were able to piece together a series of steps, that if followed allow the patron to view past diner victims.
Like getting to a secret level in a video game you have to follow the below steps correctly to make the window appear.
- Order a coffee, don’t drink it.
- Go to the bathroom, men’s stall in the middle. Scribble the phone number for the second hottest elementary teacher you had on the stall wall.
- Come back to the restaurant counter. Order pie, must be Banana or pecan pie. Don’t eat the pie.
- Put a David Bowie song on from the jukebox
- Go back to your coffee, still don’t drink it.
- Work on a top ten 90s Canadian alt-rock band list.
- Put your second lease favorite Christmas song on the jukebox
- Call your mom (It’s unclear if this step is needed, but do it anyway)
- Compliment the man at the end of the bar about his mustache.
- Double-check that you are still in a day of the week that ends in “Y”. If not you messed up and have seven minutes to live.
- Lick all the dirty spoons the diner currently has in the back sink.
- Pay for someone’s dinner, total must be exactly $8.15
- Go back to your pie, still don’t eat it.
- Drink your coffee.
- Take a single bite of your pie.
- Place your head down on the sticky table.
- With your head still on the table, turn to face the window.
- Close your eyes, and try to count all the pieces of gum under the table. Current estimates are north of 447 pieces.
- Wait.
- Open your eyes with you hear the fingerprints on the glass.
- Share your pie with the dead, they will stick around until the pie is gone. Failure to share your pie will result in death.
(Link to the original post on Instagram by stefankoidl)
